Finding Me

For quite some time, I thought I had lost myself and needed to "recreate" me.  Instead, in trying to recreate myself, I found that perhaps I am more in touch with myself than I thought.  The past couple of years have been extremely difficult ones on so many levels (that's a whole other post), culminating in this time in which I feel overwhelmed, over-burdened, and simply lost.  Sometimes I think about who and where I am right now and I see little resemblance to the person I once was or intended to be or want to be.  My responsibilities and burdens pull me so far away from enjoying life to its fullest and sometimes even from enjoying life period.  Some days I don't even know what that means to me exactly.  I can't focus on things that I once enjoyed or devoted time to because I'm just too far away from that right now.  

I know I'm not the only one who has a million plates spinning at once.  It's all ironic in a way because this is something I've always handled with a fair amount of ease.  I'm good with crises and emergencies and stress and problems.  I'm a problem solver.  I take care of people, situations, whatever it may be.  But this time is not the same.  There is no relief.  The pressure is always there, never ceasing, telling me that I have to do this, i have to do that, I can't do this, I can't do that, take care of this, take care of that; be supermom; be superwife; be super at work.  I think it's because I don't have the resources with which to maintain or accomplish all those obligations that makes me such a wreck.  It makes my head hurt from trying to think of a way to resolve all the problems we face.  It makes me want to run away in the night and never return.

With some recent introspection, I conclude that the very fact that I can recognize that I feel so very far removed from who I am means that I am connected enough to my core to know that I'm being pulled further and further down in the quagmire of all the burdens that rest on my shoulders.  Thus, I'm not lost.  I haven't lost myself completely.  I just lost touch with the inner me for a bit.  And also, there is the little fact of knowing that I am indeed super :) and I am capable of doing and taking on so much.  I've just allowed myself be overrun with an end result being a lack of balance.  

So, my question now has changed from how do i recreate myself to how do i reconnect with myself and improve myself when i feel as though my well is empty and depleted?  How do I give back to myself when the well has run dry and I still have more that I must give to others?  One cannot give for long from a well which has run dry without beginning to feel hopeless and defeated.  I WAS NEVER MEANT FOR A DEFEATED MINDSET.   

I have to find balance again, both an inner balance and outer balance.  Some of that, I can do.  I am good at centering myself usually, but the layers under which I am buried are so deep now, it will take much more than what I can do on my own.  I must be broken and built back up.  It will take Sir reaching deep down into the empty well of my soul and pulling me out and refilling the well.  It won't be a pretty process.  As much as I need it, I don't look forward to it.  I don't break easily.  I fight it even when I need it.  He's never had to do anything quite as extreme as this to get me back on track.  It's been since before I knew Him that I've been in a place so desolate.  And as much as I don't look forward to it, I crave it, I hunger for it, I need it as much as I need air to breathe.  

In the meantime, I must start giving myself the gift of me.  More to add to that later. :)

Tough Times

Yesterday was a rough day. The devil, evil spirits, whatever were on the attack and I felt defeated, and as I lay awake last night, just wanted to give in and why not? All my careful planning for nothing, all my plans of a steady climb back to solid ground swept away, my sense of security erased, no foreseeable answer in sight and I lay in silent despair. But I shifted my focus to remember that I wasn't meant for despair or defeat.  I remembered that you get back what you put out there.  So today I am happy, and thankful for my circumstances and waiting for the blessing which Is coming although I can't see it yet.  I believe it. And my reality is my perception.  So happy happy Friday, friends.  It's the weekend! Let's enjoy this day and the weekend to come.  Live and love life to your fullest potential!

HAPPY WIFE = HAPPY LIFE

What does unhappy wife =? What does lonely and wanting someone to talk to equal?

CHOSEN FAMILY

Blood is thicker than water or so the saying goes.  What does that really mean?  Figuratively speaking, I think it's reminder that loyalty to your family should be first and foremost.  Rather idealistic, I think. 

True that I was born into a family, one that I have loved to the best of my ability, and perhaps they loved me to the best of their ability, but sadly sometimes even the best is not enough.  Perhaps my best is not what they needed or vice versa.  I think it's difficult for blood family sometimes to let go of their preconceived ideas about who we are or who they think we are or should be.  Some people cannot move past their expectations and lock themselves (along with others) into rigid roles within our family relationships.

What I've learned from some members of my blood family are these ideas:

People who do not love themselves and accept themselves (the good, the bad, the beauty, the ugly) can never love and accept the good and the bad, the beauty and the ugliness of others. 

People who have no inner peace will never be peaceful.

People who refuse to let go of their past will never move forward and will take their past pain out on others close to them.

You know what I lacked in my blood family?  Not with all members but with some.  Things I think everyone needs:  Acceptance as myself, to be heard, to have relationships based upon mutual respect and honesty.

I've experienced that with very few of my blood family members.

Last month, Master and I became a part of something so amazing I hardly have words to describe it.  Our family was born, so to speak.  And it has nothing to do with genetics. 

This family represents a kinship of souls, dedication to one another and a life concept, unity of minds and spirits.  This family relates to a culture of honor and respect and loyalty, covenants to one another.

It is about being with people who delight, inspire, appreciate, and respect U/us.  These are people I love being with.  These are people who want and accept me as I am and who, in turn, I accept as they are, and love them for all of it, strengths and faults.  These are people with whom W/we can learn and grow, each individually, but yet together in a spirit of mutual support and desire to improve ourselves and our community.

We don't share blood but this is my family by choice.  The power of this bond is so incredibly strong.  I truly feel these are my kin.  My brother and sister slaves are so close to my heart.   My Master and His Brothers are men to look upon with respect and awe because they love us and guide us and protect us in this harsh world.

We are all now joined in a way that is foreign to most but to me, it feels as natural as the wind blowing across the fields.

I love these people!  And I love who I am with these people and who I can become.

Choosing a family, a tribe, a clan, is not about adding a bunch of friends on Fet or Facebook or Twitter or whatever social media you use.  It's about finding those people in your life who will walk, hand-in-hand, with you, no matter what comes your way.  These are the people who will laugh when you laugh, cry when you cry, fight when you fight, and will always smile when they see you.

Where there were just the two of U/us, now there are a total of six.
The Masters and their slaves.
The Family.

CLARIFICATION

Yesterday I reposted numerous entries to the blog from the past.  I had taken them all down at some point and when I reposted, I didn't think to put the original posting dates within the body of the post. I really wish I had done that because it reminds of the when things occurred along the journey.  But most I can tell just by reading even if others cannot.  I did not repost every blog entry but just some of the ones I enjoyed and thought maybe someone else would.  I thought that maybe eventually my chosen family might read my blog and I wanted them to have a tiny glimpse into the past.  Chosen family, you say.  Yes, life has changed yet again, and Master and I have a new chosen family.  More to come on that later.

My presence here has waxed and waned over the last couple years.  I really enjoy writing about every day things as well as topics that are important to me.  As the post before this one indicated, time is something I seem never to have enough of and writing here tends to fall to the back burner.  I'm going to work at being more consistent.

Anyway, just wanted to clear that obviously I didn't write all those posts yetserday and that they simply illustrate a timeline of the past.  Maybe if I can find the time I will go back and try to date them.   But I'm not worrying too much over that.

ANOTHER START

Looking back over the life of this blog, it's easy to see that I haven't maintained my presence here nearly as often as I'd like. Our lives are hectic and time is a precious commodity for us. Work, kids, gym, and circumstances seem to conspire to prohibit my writing on a daily basis.
Perhaps now is a good time to start fresh. It seems we are experiencing new beginnings in other areas of our lives. So I think now would be a good time to re-commit to documenting my thoughts, feelings, and activities. I've decided I will start as though I am just beginning this blog and take time to introduce myself and give a glimpse into how i arrived at this point and then go from there.
I have considered myself a submissive for a good 20 years at least. During that time, I have not always actively participated in the lifestyle but certainly, even in times of inactivity, submissiveness was and still is my prevailing nature. The desire to serve is as natural to me as breathing. Over the years, my interests have grown from a simple desire to serve a man both domestically and sexually to include many more deviant desires. I learned I enjoyed pain and discipline. It is cathartic. It is balancing. And for me, balance is the element I most seek for personal fulfillment. I have found that I have a sadistic streak as well as a touch of a masochistic side. My fetish interests have expanded so far beyond what I first imagined when I first began to dabble in the lifestyle arena. What's truly awesome to me is that this is a never-ending journey. I continue to learn new things that I like, that I want to try, that I want to explore. At almost 43, I am still growing, still learning, still seeking knowledge, always wanting to improve and better myself, still evolving.
How I identify myself has evolved in a way I never anticipated. All these years, I have identified myself as submissive and staunchly denied any desire to be slave. And that has been the truth. I have never wanted to be a slave. Now my self-identity has changed so much that I have even changed my lifestyle moniker to include the word slave. Being submissive to Master evokes such a depth and intensity of feeling that I slowly have come to realize and accept my willingness and desire to be slave to Him. Not only that but I revel in the idea of of it. So now that my mindset has turned to slavery rather than mere submission, I am intent on being my best for Him in that capacity. The terms slave or submissive are merely labels that help others identify where we each are on our journeys. So many resist being labeled and I understand why. But for now, just as I was with the label of submissive, I am proud to be labeled as such, proud to be called His slave. The first time Master referred to me as His slave, my heart was full of happiness.
Who am i? i am me. i am slave. i am His slave only. i am slave-2-one.

The single most self-defeating emotion you can have is FEAR for it can paralyze you. People need someone they can be totally themselves with, no pretenses.

Special women NEED a place to be completely transparent.

Master is my 'place'. I can strip myself naked emotionally, let the fascade fall away......He will never judge me and will always have my best interests at heart.

A friend sent this to me a long time ago and I found it today and thought I'd share it. No clue who to give credit to.

Women are supposed to serve men. It's in your nature and in your genes. Some women fight it.......others are just naive and don't understand it. But it is your place to men.........to please men. It's a basic animal instinct that women are attracted to men.....especially sexually. The problem is that there are certain men who are more attractive than others........not attractive as in looks or physical appearance......but attractive in their understanding of women. Attractive in a special way that makes a woman want to serve them. So many men can't quite seem to grasp that it's not about money or power or fame or pretty boy looks........it's about understanding the basic nature of women. You have a need to serve.....and you have a "need" to be used.

The Witch is on Her Broom

In other words, the boss had entered the building.  And apparently she is a bitchy witch today. Thank God it's a short day for me today.  Who would think I'd actually look forward to going to the GYN just so I don't have to be at work. She doesn't realize I'm not in the best of moods myself. I'm feeling down today and definitely not in the mood to put up with her BS. She needs to shut her pie hole and fly away on that broom.  

Years in the Making

At a local gathering for a lecture series this week, the presenter began by asking how many had been in the lifestyle more than a year, more than 5 years, more than 10, more than 20. Hands went down with only a very few remaining at that 20 year mark. So many newbies...it made me think about my journey from my first BDSM experience somewhere around the age of 21 to now and how I've grown into the lifestyle over that time.

Twenty years is a long time. On one hand, wow, look how far I've come and how much I've learned and all I've experienced. On the other hand, I sit back and consider how minute all that really is and how much more I have to learn and experience. I can't say I've been actively involved in the lifestyle that entire time, but I think even when I was less active, I was still me. My submissiveness is part of my nature. It didn't just go away during times of inactivity.

All in all, I'm happy that I can look back over the years and be happy in the path I chose. And to look ahead and know that I'm far from finished growing and learning.

Deception

Dictionary.com defines the act of deceiving as:

1. to mislead by a false appearance or statement; delude

Put so simply as one is "misleading" another softens the issue somewhat, doesn't it? Surely there should be some stronger way of representing what deception/lies do to individuals and couples.

That simple misleading by a false appearance or statement may be the cause of an ache in one's heart or soul so deep and intense that that person may find it difficult to breathe. It can hurt just as much as any physical pain. From a personal standpoint, I'd rather suffer physical pain any day. I think many of us would rather feel a physical ache than the ache of betrayal.

Do people not realize the damage they do to one another or do they simply not care? Where is the integrity and honor in such actions? And I submit that even more so in this lifestyle than a vanilla one, integrity, honor, trust and respect are keystones. They're the attributes for which to strive to exhibit and the benchmark for which to judge yourself and your peers.

"If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters."

Evolution of Change

People and relationships change and evolve over time. Sometimes what you start out thinking is what you need and want becomes burdensome or just no longer what you need to feel fulfilled. In order for a relationship between two evolving people to survive, they each must be willing to change their perspective and accept one another as they are and as they and their needs change.

The following is one of my favorite quotes:

We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.
W. Somerset Maugham

Change is inevitable. Life and love are about embracing the changes within you and the one you love. Unconditional love will accept no less.

It's Been a Monday!

You know how some days are crappy and you just want a do-over? Well, today I'd just like to erase it completely and not even do it over.

This morning started with not wanting to wake up and staying in bed longer than i should have. Got the kids to school and off to work I went only to find out there was an accident ahead on the interstate somewhere and traffic was backed up forever and not moving. And of course, I needed gas. LOL. I finally found a place to turn around and cross over the median and go back and find an alternate route but obviously, that made me late.

Work was as it is every day....nonstop. I was so busy! And naturally still didn't accomplish everything i needed to do today. I look forward to the end of every work day. Not just to come home to my hunny and kids but to be away from there. I left work today only to face dealing with a situation with my exhusband.

He adamantly opposes Master and I living together but i hate to tell him but sorry for his luck. He had some other things to say that weren't so nice and rather surprised me that he would say to me, but I guess that shows that's how he really feels about me. You would think that after having been married to me for 11 years, he would know me better than that. But then again, he never really knew me during that time and never really tried to know all about me, all the facets of me. And furthermore, he could never handled most of them anyway.

He can threaten me with court all he likes. Does he really not know me well enough to know that if i say i love this man and want to live my life with Him with the hope of a future marriage further down the line, that nothing said or done will tear me from Him? He should know better. I would face anything and defend my right to be with this man. He's the love for whom I searched and longed for so very long. I've faced far too much already to give up now. And besides I believe in Him and I believe in us. If I'm proven wrong down the line, then so be it, but for now, i belong to and with this man. I am His. And my ex can freaking deal with it. I love Him; my kids love Him; they're sad when He's not around and happy when He is. He is good for me and for all of us. So we'll just see what happens. But I refuse to argue and fight with him about it. He can deal or take me to court.

Got that out of the way and hit the gym for a leg work-out. Felt way too weak. But as Master pointed out, we missed that last week. Guess that's why. But I worked hard what little time I had anyway. Home at last and helped the little one with his shower and so forth and got them squared away. Course my daughter wants me to explain what her daddy meant about court and all that. So guess I'll go try to answer her questions. Master said he'll be home shortly anyway! Can't wait! I miss my sexy man.

Sex on the Brain

I have sex on the brain tonight. Can't stop thinking about it. Course I guess that's not unusual for me. Seems i think about it much more than most. LOL But i think that's a good thing.

As usual, i had AWESOME sex this weekend. Master fucked my ass! I loved it! No idea why considering it hurts like hell when He starts putting in there but i do love it once He's in and fucking me hard.

This morning He came on my face and on my tongue....how i love that! What it is about Him standing over me and watching Him stroking His cock, Him putting His balls on my face and letting me lick and suck them and then that cum squirting out onto my tongue or on my face that drives me insane. Is there anything this man does that I don't absolutely love?

God I wish he would hurry home so that he could fuck me again and then curl up to sleep in His arms.

Making Decisions Based on Fear

Why did this repost itself? I wrote this months ago.  Stupid Blogger app.

At times in the past, I've made some decisions based on lack of confidence in myself and fear. Know what happens when you allow fear to determine your decisions? It takes over and over-rides everything. It takes away all you know to be true and if you allow it to, it will take over. And it is stealthy and sneaky and it will happen when you don't realize it until suddenly everything comes crumbling down around you. And there are people who just love to feed that fear for you and do their best to cause you to question yourself. Don't people know or understand that if you tear someone down, you're tearing yourself down as well. We're meant to edify one another, build each other up. How foolish of those who tried and how foolish of me to allow it to happen.

So here's where I stand now:

Words can be misleading. Actions not so much. I know when I am loved, and I know when I love. I know who I am. I know my own heart. I known what my limitations and I know the ones that I can break through and become even better than I am as a person.

But those two sentences: actions are not misleading and I know when I'm loved and I know when I love....that is enough for me. It's enough to make me believe even more strongly in what I know to be true and real, not what other people want to make me believe.

We have to face fears and overcome them, not allow them to take over our world and cause us to lose focus on who we are.

I am me, i am tam tam; i am babygirl; i am Master's baby; i am my kids' mom; and i am the best of friends to those i love and care for. That's good enough for me and it certainly seems good enough for those who love me. Those who think otherwise about me don't really matter, now do they? Besides, there are many many characteristics about me that most women would never understand the value of and many that would make them wish they were more like me.

Sleepy Monday

So it's actually Tuesday now but the post is really about my Monday. I've had a hard time staying awake today. Not enough sleep I guess. Tried staying up because I thought Master might be home early and he was a little but still I should gone to bed and gotten more rest. It was worth being awake for though. God, that man can make blind with desire. And afterwards we fell asleep exhausted still joined together. I don't know why but I loved us falling asleep with His cock still inside me. And when I woke up, I really didn't want to move but my leg was so uncomfortable. The intimacy level between us is just so incredible.

I would have loved to sleep in snuggled up with Him but duty called and off to work I went. Not a bad day but a long one it seemed. Had a decent work-out but not as good as I would have liked. Had a massive headache which throbbed with every exertion. But anyway, got everyone hone and in bed and the I fell asleep unintentionally and slept until Master called. I liked having that time to talk in the night. With him working at night, it and any other conversations or messages keeps me feeling connected to Him. Course I'm sure He didn't intend to spend all that time talking but as always, He listened cause He knew it was important to me to discuss how to let the kids know about him living here. How can He be so amazing? I love this man so. His care of me and the kids touches my heart.

There's more to my day and my thoughts tonight but frankly I'm just too tired to stay up and expound on them further. The sandman is really working on getting me to fall asleep before I finish. LOL So I guess everything else will wait till tomorrow.

It"s Been a Monday!

What a day! Master made it home around 2 and pulled me into His arms and fell asleep quickly. Poor Dear. He was so tired. Needless to say, i got up and ready for work and left without waking Him for more than a quick good-bye kiss. Went to work where I proceeded to work my arse off. It's so hard to get things accomplished when you're interrupted dozens of times. But that's just the way it is.

Ready and Waiting

It's almost 2:00 a.m. I'm lying in bed naked with my laptop reading blogs. Master just IMed me that He's on His way home. I'm so glad because i was beginning to think i would fall asleep before He got home and frankly, i may still. But i'm trying to stay awake so that i will be ready for Him if He wants me when He gets home. If only i didn't have to work tomorrow! i'm guessing every night this week will be like this. i hope they hire a project manager soon. i miss Him being home at night.

Weekend Getaway

Just got back from a fun weekend in Gatlinburg with Master. It started a little rocky but was well worth it. We left late Friday, seeing as how i worked late and He went to work out, but the drive there was great even if it was late into the night. But then we arrive at the resort only to find they did not leave a late check-in packet out for us. So we had to call the after hours number and get some guy out of bed only to find out that we should have been at a completely different part of the resort. They have two sections and welcome lodges. And this after i had called Friday evening to ascertain where we were to go since we would be arriving in the middle of the night. You would think they would have told me the correct info then.

Anyway so we find the 2nd welcome lodge and guess what? No late check-in package there either. So i get the guy out of his bed a second time! And he apologizes and gives me directions to our cabin which is not even located on the resort. It's an off-site cabin. I mean, really?! Good thing he didn't have to come meet us because I think RB would have liked to break his noggin. LOL We were both tired and frustrated but we finally arrived at "our" cabin. And i think it was pretty awesome! And despite the late hour, we went in the bedroom and had some pretty amazing sex. He said He was going to get after it when we got there and He wasn't joking. LOL I don't even know what time we got to sleep but I think the sun was coming up. So we slept in Saturday morning.

We didn't get up until mid-morning Saturday and didn't make it out of the bed till almost lunch time. It was quite a momentous morning because as i was sucking Master's cock, He tells me He's ready to fuck my ass. We've discussed it but He had yet to do it. i admit that although excited when He told me this, i was a little apprehensive. Not like it was my first tme, but...   At any rate, He was patient and took His time and did His best to lessen any discomfort for me. It's hard to explain how something like that can be so uncomfortable but yet one can be so incredibly turned on by it at the same time. I'm laughing now because that pretty much goes for most things in the lifestyle. How is it that being flogged can be so painful and intense but yet my pussy will be soaked before it's over? LOL At any rate, He fucked my ass as though we had been doing it many times and i loved it! i started rubbing my clit and next thing you know, i was cumming hard and fast. Best of all, He came in my ass. Love love love that. Of course, i love when He cums anywhere in or on my body.

Afterwards, i said something about Him having now fucked all my holes. and i do so love the fact that He has. All of me, every hole, every inch of me belong to Him and has been used by Him. i love being His little slut. it's an amazing thing to belong to someone who appreciates that part of me. We showered together and He took care of me by rubbing cocoa butter on my sunburn. i love the ways He makes me feel cared for and protected.

We spent the rest of the day in Gatlinburg exploring the area and riding the sky lift and just enjoying being together. We went to dinner Sat night and it was delicious! We talked about what softball team He's going to play on and He has no idea how touched i was that He mentioned that He was trying to think about also which team have wives and girlfriends who He thought I would get along with. Just another example of Him thinking about me and my happiness and taking care of me. i love Him so much for that because i have wondered how that will work out.

After dinner, we took a drive into Pigeon Forge. That was an adventure. We were pulled over by one of Gatlinburg's finest. Idiot doesn't begin to describe his level of intelligence. He said Master was crossing the center line and riding it for a distance which absolutely ridiculous. He was insistent on asking if Master had been drinking at all or at dinner, which neither of us had. He even took Him back to the police vehicle and gave Him a field sobriety test of following the little pencil light. How primitive! Of course, Master passed and the guy sent us on our way but it was such a waste of time. But now we joke about not crossing any lines while driving. LOL

After that, we went back to the cabin and headed to the hot tub. Master sat up the laptop next to it and turned on some porn but i didn't see much of it because He immediately began playing with my pussy and i was stroking His cock and before You know it i was on top of Him and fucking Him. Very odd sensation with all that hot water and His cock inside me and Him sucking on my nipples. It was actually rather difficult to do because of the height of the seat in the tub. I couldn't keep my knees on it. He eventually sat on the side of the tub and I licked and sucked His cock and balls until He said for us to take it inside where He proceeded to fuck me silly. I finally got to sleep cuddled on His chest about 2 or 3 Sunday morning.

We woke up about 20 mintues before we were supposed to be out of the cabin. So no time for loving this morning. But we got done and got out and headed home. :( Then we found out on the way home that He was going to have to work tonight. That really bites. But when we got home, i said we need to have sex before You go to work and He didn't disagree. :) We got in bed and His cock was so incredibly hard. I pretended i was innocent and didn't know what to do with it and He had to instruct me on sucking it. it was too funny! We both were laughing through it until i started seriously sucking that cock and then He was ready to fuck me. He told me to get my pants off but i decided to be challenging and said make me. This was in fun obviously as i wouldn't disobey anything He told me to do but it was just in the spirit of how things were going. He grabbed me by my hair and fucked my throat hard and told me again to get my pants and I again did not. So he fucked my throat again till i was gagging but i still refused. He grabbed my hair and pushed me over and started sucking and biting on my nipple. He got rough on that nipple till i was about to beg for mercy. that or beg Him to fuck me. Needless to say, the pants came off at that point. And He pounded my pussy. i came over and over. He flipped me over and fucked me from behind. and again i came over and over. Especially when He put His finger/thumb in my ass and had that going as well as His dick in my pussy and i was rubbing my clit. i lost count of how many times i came. He pulled out and stood at the side of the bed and i laid with my head off the side and he fucked my mouth. He pulled out and came on my face and on my tongue. I love when He does that. Afterwards He leaned over and kissed and gave my nipples a suck. If only He knew how much i love that. i love love love having my nipples sucked after sex, and i don't necessarily mean just one little tug. I mean just having them sucked. There's just something so intimate and bonding about it. It's very much like how i feel about falling asleep after sex with His cock in my mouth. That's just an intimacy i don't think most couples share.

So now here i am and wishing He were here and not at work. i'm hoping it's not a long night cause i want to serve Him and please Him before He goes to sleep tonight and because i want to sleep next to Him. In the meantime, off i go to put away His clothes and wash our laundry from the weekend. Back to every day life...

Stars in My Eyes

I've been thinking about so many things this weekend. Watching Master on the field as He walked to His position, i felt like someone knocked the breath out of me and all i could think was oh my God, i love that man so very much; He's my heart, my breath, my life, everything. I've never experienced anything like this and it makes me so happy that i don't have words to describe it.

But yet even feeling this way, there are things that have been troubling me such as feeling left out and as though our relationship is unknown and/or denied. I want so much to be a part of His life in every way as He is mine and it's hard for me to be patient and wait for things to happen because He wants to let things settle more first. I can't fault Him for that but it's hard for me when i feel like we're living our lives together and out there for most to see but yet it's hidden from some. I guess I'm just not as patient as I need to be. I've tried for the last six months to be as patient as I can and be understanding and mindful of the situation, but as time goes on, i want to share and be shared. I wish that he would go pick Princess up and visit with her with the rest of us at times. And I know that time will come. I'm just impatient.

I finally figured out tonight why I'm having such difficulty. The best way to explain it is to say that the man puts stars in my eyes. When I think of Him, our life together, our love, and especially our future, i get stars in my eyes. And i know i do because I can feel them. No man has ever put stars in my eyes. And because i have those stars, i want things to develop more rapidly and to have the greatest desires of my heart, one reason being because i know how happy i am now and i think that as time goes by, that happiness will only increase for myself and for all of us. Secondly, it would give our relationship more credibility. People would stop questioning the nature and depth of it. Maybe people would stop believing it's nothing but a sexual dalliance on His part. I want people to know the level of our commitment and the fact that we have a love and relationship of a kind that most only dream of but never attain. Thirdly, it would give me even more a sense of security. Risk taker that I am, in matters of the heart, security is vital to me. I've built walls around my heart for so long to protect it that now that I've allowed someone to tear it down, feeling secure is of mega importance. And that's one thing I can say I feel with Him: that my heart is kept safe and secure and loved by Him. He makes me feel protected.

After a lot of thought about some of the things that have been bothering me, I've come to a very important realization:

Two people don't always have to move at the same pace for them to end up at the same place....especially if it's the right place.

I firmly believe we'll end up at the right place because the right place is wherever the other one is. We fit together; we belong together. We need each other to complete our life puzzle. He's my soul mate and there is no doubt in my mind or my heart about that.

And if I have stars in my eyes now, there will only be that many and more and they will only be much brighter when we do end up at the same place. :-)

Video

So we're driving home from the ballpark Saturday evening and I'm giving Him road head. Yippee! I'd been wanting Him all day. Next thing you know He's taking pics and then shooting a video! He's apparently good at multi-tasking (driving, getting a blow job and videoing). LOL I have to admit it was a turn-on to know He was videoing. I was so wet! So the vid is in several clips and at times my hair got in the way but all in all, it's pretty darn HOT!

Softball all day Saturday! I had fun. Not sure about Him. I'm sure He'll be feeling the effects but I had a blast watching Him. I've always loved hanging at the ballpark anyway. It's weird how I was sitting watching him and just looking at Him and this little voice in my head said God I love this man. It rocks me a little bit. The intensity and depth of it overwhelm me at times. I hope I never take it for granted. It's such a rare gift to love like that.

So now it's Sunday and i'm waiting on Him so we can shower and get the day started. Not much time today as He'll be leaving right after lunch to see Princess and then on to work.

MS Trip

Love visiting my brother but I'd ready to go. We had a nicer dinner at Mellow Mushroom Saturday night and got to see Sandra & Charles afterwards. The kids opened presents and we watched movies. Thankfully, I'm feeling better and didn't cough my head off all night. I'm so thankful for that. We're getting loaded up and getting ready to go meet Mom for lunch. Of course, i forgot to bring her a gift for her bday. We've got to stop at the nearest Cracker Barrel. Sometimes I can't keep up with things in my head the way i should.

I'm ready to get back home to Bama.

Road Trip!

It's my nephew's bday today! Yesterday was my brother's bday! So we are packing up and heading on a road trip to see them today, staying the night and coming back tomorrow. I can't wait to see them! Although i sometimes get annoyed with my bro (what siblings don't), he is my family. He always loves me no matter what. He undersstand the concept of unconditional love. And he also makes me feel like i am the best sister even when i'm not.

So time to get busy and get my little family up and moving!

Home At Last

He's home; He's home! i wonder if He has a clue how happy i was to see Him walk through that door. Does He know what it means to me to be able to touch Him, to see the expressions on His face, to kiss Him, hug Him, just to lie next to Him in our bed? i wonder if He knows how much i would have liked to have greeted Him a different way, maybe waiting naked in our bed for Him to come to me there. i wonder if anyone would find it strange that i want to be naked around Him so much. Part of that is the slave in me, wanting to be His naked little slave, available to Him at all times and there to do anything for Him. But it's also the fact that i can't help but want Him every time i see Him. He has that effect on me. Such a sexy man! I swear He must have some of the most sensual lips i've ever seen. Is there anything about Him physically that doesn't excite me? i mean, really, i don't know that i've ever desired a man this way. There He was kneeling at the side of the bed, working via computer and phone, and i was sitting on the bed working figures but sneaking looks at Him, drinking in the sight of Him, and all the time thinking how sexy He is and how i couldn't wait for Him to touch me and how wet my pussy was and how badly i wanted Him. And of course, as always, He didn't disappoint. i don't even know how many times i came but He drove me crazy with His fingers, His tongue, His cock. i want Him again...NOW.

Play Time

***Contains Adult Content and Language***

Today I asked Master for permission for some play time and He not only permitted me to play but to cum as well. The last three days has seemed like an eternity without Him and without orgasm. He was surprised that i had waited so long to ask Him to allow me to do so, but as i explained to Him, i wanted to wait for His return. But since He voluntarily allowed it, i immediately went to the ladies room and began playing with my clit. My pussy was so incredibly wet already! When i im'ed him how wet i was, He instructed me to send Him a pic. i wonder if He knows how much more that turned me on, Him wanting a pic and me taking it, just for Him. He sent me over the top though when He immediately came back with an im directing me to send Him a pic with my fingers in my pussy. i could barely take the pic i was so close to orgasm. Of course, immediately after i snapped the pic and sent it, i fucked my pussy with those same fingers till i came hard and fast. i wanted so badly to suck the cum off my fingers but i had forgotten to ask Him if i could and i knew i couldn't wait for His response as i had to get back to my desk.

i remembered to thank Him for allowing me to play and cum and He, in turn, thanked me for the pics and let me know how much i turn Him on. That conversation led to us discussing the fact that i am His own personal slut, and that He loves that part of me as well as every other aspect of who I am. i'm so thankful to belong to One who knows how to handle all the many facets of who i am, from the church-goer on Sunday to the professional person by day to His slut any time He wants me to be. So many men can't deal with the transition from one aspect to another.

I am so ready for Him to come home, ready to see Him, to touch Him, to love on Him, and to have Him fuck me six ways to Sunday. LOL i miss my Man.

Early Wake-Up Call

i woke up rather early this morning considering i didn't need to be seeing how the office doesn't open till later today due to the weather, but i was eagerly awaiting the phone to ring. Master had said He would call this morning before going into work. i didn't want to miss that call. As the time dwindled down to when i knew He was to be at work, i thought about calling Him. i struggle with patience at times although i'm learning to be more so. But knowing He had not asked me to call and wake Him and knowing Him to be responsible and dependable, i remained quietly resting until that call came in. i know with Him, He does what He says He will do and i may depend upon that.

Amazing how the sound of His voice can evoke so much emotion from me! It may differ depending upon the situation, but this morning, just pure joy and contentment filled me as i closed my eyes and listened to His voice. How i wish He had been snuggled into our bed with me this morning. There is nothing i love more than waking up and cuddling up to Him with my head on His chest and hearing His voice deepened even more by sleep telling me He loves me. I can hardly wait until Wednesday for Him to come home. Hopefully today and tomorrow will pass quickly now that I'm able to go back to work and fill the hours with those tasks. That being said, I think I will go do a little more cleaning this morning before I have to get ready for work. I'm trying to clean and organize the house so as to provide the most welcoming and loving environment for Him and our children. But I have to admit washing baseboards and walls and windows is not my idea of fun. LOL But for my family, it's a task i take on gladly. And it's always a wonderful feeling to hear Him say how good the house looks etc and to hear and see that He is pleased.

Home is Where the Heart Is

In a previous post, i mentioned that i was in the process of cleaning and organizing our home so as to provide a loving and welcoming home for Master and our children. People often ask how important is environment to a relationship, and i have to say that in my opinion, it ranks quite high on the list of importance. After all, doesn't the saying go along the lines of "a man's home is his castle"?

i want our home to be Master's castle. i want it to be a place He always wants to come home, the place He longs to be, and is happy to return to every night. i believe the only way to achieve that is to make our home a comfortable, welcoming oasis for Him. i believe not only should He come home to find it clean and organized and inviting but that He should feel that i'm glad that He is there. i try to meet Him as He comes in every night because i want Him to know His presence means so much to me. i want to greet Him with a smile, a hug and a kiss so that He knows that i missed Him while we were apart and that i'm thrilled for Him to be back home in the castle for the night. My greeting Him every night and my attempts to maintain a cozy home environment are ways to show my appreciation for the fact that He works hard every day to make a future for us.

In return, He never fails to express His appreciation of a clean house or anything else i've done for Him. i feel that we cannot be the only couple who exist this way or think along those lines. If you research within the lifestyle, you find so many instances of daily rules or expectations for subs to include household chores and making the home a pleasant place to be. While it's not a chore or rule designated between us at this time, it's still one about which i have strong opinions.

And i know some are asking: does this mean He never helps out around the house? LOL On the contrary, He never fails to take care of the chores He deems His own nor does He fail to offer to help me with any household chore when He sees i have numerous things on my plate. He can sense when i'm feeling overwhelmed and does whatever is needed to help me find balance.

i'm a blessed woman to share a home within which resides my heart and His. it makes this house in which we live a place i want to come home to as well because wherever He is, is where my Heart and home shall be.

CHOOSE YOUR HEROES WISELY

Who are the people we choose to make into heroes, those we idolize within our lifestyle at large and within our local communities?

Where do we find them?  Visit your local kinky society to find numerous kinksters joining together for fun and educational purposes.  Join a social networking lifestyle site and you'll find more kinky superstars than you can shake a tit at.  How hard it can be to sort through the masses to find those who truly feel compelled to be tenders of the flame?

I think we are drawn to those we see leading the masses because they provide some sense of safe haven and structure and sanity to the unknown.  If they are recognized leaders in their community or in their area of expertise, people tend to automatically feel these are the people in whose hands they may place their fledgling selves and be safe as they explore and learn.

There is no doubt that most people who are viewed as the elite and most knowledgeable in our lifestyle are outstanding people in their private lives and in the roles within which they serve in their public lives.  You may hear many stories about them, see pictures and videos documenting their scenes, see in person their involvement in various scenes, and hear testimony of others regaling tales of intense intricate play along with details of their service to their community.

All this is certainly worthy of admiration and may even spark interest where you knew none existed.  Those leaders may provide good examples to follow for those entering this world and those already long in it.  But does all that make them infallible?  Do all the good feats and vast experience necessarily make them hero material?

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy watching the "pros" play.  I learn from watching and hearing their adventures and ideas and theologies.  I can be moved by the intensity of their scenes, their words, and their actions.  And quite frankly, it is so easy to fall into acceptance of the idea that these are the icons of our lifestyle and that, for all intents and purposes, they are worthy of emulation.  Without doubt, such heroes as these do exist; however, there are others who although they fit the profile have another side of which many may never see, but nonetheless it exists.

When I think of heroes and idols, I think about childhood heroes from Superman to Roy Rogers or the Lone Ranger.  Back in the day, it was so easy to distinguish right from wrong, and the heroes always stood for the right. The principles these characters espoused were admirable, and they deserved to be our heroes.

I get perturbed when I see people using our desire for heores and idols to hijack it for their own personal gain by portraying themselves as the good guys, the cool kids, the ones offering the proverbial carrot on a stick before a starving audience. People of such ilk take one's naivety and trust and trample it underfoot like dust.

They ignore the boundaries and limits of others by hiding behind words if it fits in with their objectives.  The very ideals which they are supposed to represent (honesty, loyalty, RESPECT), they toss aside like these are expendable because it is a game and one that is played well.

I guess what I'm saying is:  People, take off the rose colored glasses and pay attention.  Not all cowboys are good guys.  Even a villian can wear a hero's mask.  See through the facade and realize that some people will use your enthusiasm and naivety to play with your mind and push toward things you believe you want but in reality it has more to do with what they want.  Peel the mask away and see the true intent behind the words and actions.  Look far beneath the surface and question the motives.  There may be much good done in the name of community but is there an underlying game plan of which you are unaware?  Be aware of the head games and the mind fuck.  If you are new to this world, you may not even be aware of the games being played underneath the surface.  But these are tools being used, always.  You are not immune...no matter how nice you are or how nice others are to you.  Look for the truth and the honor which should be present in every action and every communication.  And when you find it, there you will find your heroes and idols.

The people who you choose as heroes are actually a reflection of you! Pick people who add true value to your life and empower you rather than offer a false sense of personal heroics and accomplishment.

What is Love Beyond Measure?

"Love Beyond Measure" began a couple of years ago as a personal accounting of my relationship with my Sir.  However, my sporatic postings (now removed from public viewing) gave barely a glimpse into our lives and relationship.  Looking back over that time span, I was shocked at how much negativity I found in those random posts.  I don't typically see myself as someone of negative energy.  Nor did it portray an accurate reflection of who we are and how we live day to day.  I think mostly it showed a snapshot of fears, doubts and insecurities that plagued my mind.

Over the last month, I've pondered greatly on many of those issues, and more, and determined that the majority were indeed only in my mind.  Why do people allow such destructive emotions and thoughts to burden and bury them?  I could write a thesis on that one.  Many have already. 

It boils down to having been hurt and disappointed time and again to the point that no matter how different a person or situation may be, there is a nagging doubt in the back of your head that always says "you're not good enough; why should this be any different; and if you allow yourself to trust completely and release these fears and doubts, how devastated will you be if the end result is the same as previous?"  It simply shows a lack of confidence in one's self, a lack of self-worth.  That can apply to relationships with people or work situations or a variety of circumstances.

If other people are involved, they generally see this as a lack of trust in them.  But really, it's not a lack of trust in another person or even in situational circumstances.  It's a lack of trust in one's self.  It's a lack of trust that one will be able to handle more hurt; it's a lack of confidence that one really does measure up...to the expectations of others, to the level of abilities needed to handle certain situations, and most importantly, to the expectations of one's self. 

To remove the power exerted by fear, doubt, and insecurity, one must find love for and confidence in one's self and allow those attributes to take control and become the driving forces behind one's goals, relationships, and life.

So, with that in mind, and looking at myself with, and desiring, full exposure of everything I am, "Love Beyond Measure" takes on a new direction.  It must be not only a rendering of my relationship with my loving Sir, whom I do love beyond measure, but it must also be about traveling life's path with love beyond measure for myself. 

In Submission to Him,
slave2one